Recently I was asked to do a FB Live surrounding the question “Is Porn an Affair?” Like you, I’m not surprised by how many conversations, debates, and opinions surround porn. People openly share their thoughts about whether porn is helpful or hurtful. So, I decided to write this blog in such a way that both parties can take a look and consider the impact porn has on relationships.
Why don’t we talk about it?
Let me start by saying this – I think it’s easy to have an opinion about something we’re protecting. It makes sense that we’d advocate about an issue we’re supporting. Yet, sharing an opinion about something we’re doing that’s hurting others, doesn’t get good press. Why? We don’t want to admit when we’ve done something that’s hurt someone else. We don’t want to give porn up, especially when it boosts our mood, sparks our fantasies, takes us out of our unwanted feelings, or removes the blahs of momentary boredom. And particularly, we don’t want to see the reality of what it does to our families.
• We look away and avoid the conversation all together.
• We play tricks with our mind by telling ourselves, “it’s the last time – I won’t do it again.”
• We absolve our guilt or feel entitled to look at porn when, “our partners put on weight,” “they’re not open
to certain sex acts,” “they’re too busy with the kids,” or “they aren’t there to have sex with me when I’m on a business trip.”
• We try to convince ourselves that it’s a harmless form of art.
• We minimize how looking at porn dehumanizes others.
In my book Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal I describe how it feels to be on the other end of chronic, unyielding, sexual betrayals.
The word betrayal comes from the Middle English root word bitrayen, which means to mislead or deceive.1 According to Dr. Frank Seekins, the term betrayal dates back to ancient Hebrew, in which much like the ancient Chinese, Egyptian, and Arabic languages, every word is formed by adding pictures and sounds together to paint or illustrate the meaning of the word. Two ideas are conveyed: to betray (reema), or “what comes from a person of chaos”;2 and to deceive (badad), or “to hide, cover, offend, deal unfaithfully, or pillage.”3 Betrayal is a deliberate act of disloyalty intended to dupe or cheat by lying and breaking someone’s trust.4
What happens to those of us on other side of porn is traumatic. Surprisingly, my research showed that 76% of the 100 betrayed partners surveyed, showed clinical symptoms of posttraumatic stress. Chronic sexual acting out can cause the same type of posttraumatic stress in partners that happens with military people who have been in frontline conflicts. Shock, anxiety, panic, anger, sleeplessness, and depression become unwelcomed companions. Like soldiers returning from duty, betrayed partners seem okay on the outside for a while. But the unseen wounds of trauma continue to grow, fester, and poison them from the inside out.
It’s like walking into an angry nest of wasps. Hemorrhaging from an overdose of poisonous venom may be a more merciful way to go. Think about the striking similarities. A honeybee can only sting once, as its barbed weapon becomes lodged in its victim, ending the bee’s life. But a wasp’s stinger remains intact, so it can sting over and over. When a betrayed partner is still living with a sexually compulsive husband using porn or a serial cheater, the chronic pain and ongoing deception repeatedly sting the unsuspecting partner.
Betrayed partners are walking wounded. I’ve heard their stories, and I have my own. The pain is insidious, especially as much of porn use happens on devices paid for by family resources, and under their own roof.
How is choice a necessary part of the conversation?
In responding to the question, “Is porn an affair?” rather than merely expressing my perspective, I thought I’d ask over 4,000 betrayed partners to share their thoughts on this conversation. Who better to ask than the ones who’ve experienced pain from non-consenting, porn use. Non-consenting porn use means that you didn’t go to your significant other and say, “Hey, I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be looking at porn in our home office today” or “I’m taking my phone into the bathroom, so I can look at porn behind closed doors.”
I have a very simple solution to this problem. Be honest – just tell us. Don’t hide it. Give us a choice in the matter. Invite us into a consensual decision. Consent means to “allow, approve, or accept” what you’re doing. When we committed to be with each other, we chose to be loyal and true – so please don’t hide this part of our sex life and story.
I’ve offered this solution to hundreds of couples I’ve spoken with for the past 20 years. I haven’t had one porn user take me up on my simple idea. Why?
Something deep inside of them knows it hurts us. Something deep inside of them gets twisted. They believe porn is harmless and private. Something in their mind feels entitled to look because they’re mad at us, they’re not getting enough sex or the kind of sex they want, or because it’s just what “all guys do.” Typically, it’s hidden, not done in broad daylight or in the family room where their spouse and children walk by. Yet, behind closed doors, when I ask porn users “What if your children were to see you looking at porn? Or your partner was to find you? What if your boss or HR director were looking over your shoulder or tracking your porn use at work, what then?” Most porn users shrug their shoulders, look away from my eyes and say, “I wouldn’t want that – I love my family,” or “I wouldn’t want to risk my job.” Porn is a soul eater. I watch their insides erode as they drop their head and look toward the ground.
Where the nickel hasn’t dropped yet is with the idea “porn kills love.” Porn and love don’t mix. Porn and spirituality don’t mix. Porn and integrity don’t mix. Porn inhibits sexual intimacy as we incessantly compare bodies and objectify people.
The more a woman feels like an object; the less she wants to be with her significant other. It’s crazy how women intuit changes in their partners sexual inclinations. We feel it. We sense it in the way you touch us, interact with us and how you look at us. We haven’t found out yet that your porn use is behind the changes we’re experiencing.
So, I looked up the definition for the word affair in Webster’s Dictionary and this is what I discovered. Affair: a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration5
I found it interesting that it included “a passionate attachment typically of limited duration.” When someone looks at porn, their brain releases adrenaline (passion), dopamine (feel good drug) and oxytocin a brain chemical used to bond us to others. When people bond with porn it directly affects the attachment with their partner. Research by Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant showed how 6 hours of exposure to soft-core pornography was enough to damage the viewers satisfaction with his or her spouse.6 Shocking really, and cause to re-think the meaning behind how the word affair has been used. Regardless of how TV, movies, and novels portray an affair, a passionate attachment to ongoing porn can create an affair of the mind.
How does porn effect betrayed partners?
Here are some thoughts shared by betrayed partners when I asked the question “Is porn an affair?”
“He said he always has those images in his mind, even when he’s not actually watching. He also, no matter how well our relationship seemed to be going, would sneak off to see ‘the other women’ every chance he got.”
-Becky
“Unlike a physical affair – even a serial cheater could not possibly have an affair with the same number of women a porn addict has had affairs with – the number of images they have viewed and attached themselves to. Those images stay in the mind when a physical affair might long be over. The pain goes just as deep and wide.”
-Sheila
“I think it’s a form of one. The sexual addiction pathway is dangerous as it progresses. It leads to so much dehumanization and desensitization. This can lead to acting out with real people whether outside people or people you love. I think it puts families out of safety and in danger. It feeds the sex trafficking business, child abuse, and adult abuse. It’s unacceptable.”
-Carrie
“It isn’t important what I think or feel, unless it conforms to Scripture. I learned this by trusting the poor counsel I received at my church, which is a large evangelical one. My thoughts: Jesus says if you even look at a woman with lust you commit adultery in your heart. You have defrauded your spouse and taken a sacred act to be shared with your covenant partner and satisfied yourself. I doubt that the pastor who told me porn wasn’t the same as adultery with a shrug, would have given his own daughter the same advice.”
-Cheryl
5 years into my marriage, a local therapist looked at my husband and I and said, “porn and marriage don’t go together, that’s just a fact.” It shook me, because I thought my husband was “getting better” – surely, he was working on it and would be free soon!! – but here were words that indicated that the ongoing porn use (that he felt bad about yet continued to do) would destroy our marriage. I found the book “An Affair of the Mind” by Laurie Hall really helpful.
-LauraChristel
Yes, unequivocally yes. From my own personal betrayal experience, porn is the “gateway drug” of affairs. First it was “just” porn, then specific chosen people in specific private web shows, then online affairs and only God (and he) knows what else. The moment my husband chose to withhold from me and get pleasure from another woman was the moment he became unfaithful for the first time and the 100’s of times after.
-Tamara
Acting out with porn, especially high-speed porn has all the elements of prostitution except skin touch. It is in my opinion prostitution by proxy. Soliciting the services of a paid sex worker for a sexual alchemy outside the marriage.
-Judy
Oh, the deep HEART hurt that I’m going through is unrelenting. After a few years of praying, counseling, crying, and yelling, he begged for forgiveness and promised he would never hurt me again. He admitted he had a sex addiction and I was knocked over in unbelievable shock. He was 9 years old and found a dirty magazine in a garbage can and his addiction grew from there. I really didn’t understand his addiction and thought he could just stop pushing computer buttons. Here we are 6 years later, and he had an affair with a co-worker and is looking at his porn again. I don’t even have words to describe what I feel and what I’m going through. Truth is, he never stopped looking at porn. Anything that has to be hidden from one partner is an affair. It deprives the other spouse of affection and intimacy. He has less interest in me and it causes me to doubt myself, and feel insecure about my body, unattractive. Porn leads you down a destructive path of deceit to get a fix (another word for addiction).
– Tissy
Yes, definitely an affair. Marriage is based on a covenant of exclusivity. Porn is a break in that exclusivity.
-MaryAnn
Absolutely! My husband has chosen pornography to bond with sexually over me. He satisfies himself with too many other “lovers” whether virtual, print or other, all the while totally rejecting me. This is my story of 37 years. He has his sexual needs met and I have neither physical, emotional or spiritual intimacy with him, painfully this is his choice. Not mine. I’m so tired of being unwanted, rejected and unloved. I have loved him so much, but my efforts have been worthless. What a human tragedy is my story. Our story. It could have been so different if only he were willing. He isn’t.
– Jeanne
The sad part is that I used to think “no.” I was told so many times it was “normal and natural for guys” and I heard it so many times I believed it was true. I read about the side effects of porn use and realized what I thought was job/stress induced was actually porn induced – the anger, withdrawal, and disinterest in life.
-Shannon
Lots to consider here. I hope I got you thinking and better yet, I hope I opened up a conversation between you and the one who’s looking at porn.
Brave On!
Dr. Sheri
1. Vocabulary.com, s.v. “betrayal,” accessed September 4, 2017, https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/betrayal.
2. Frank T. Seekins, Hebrew Word Pictures: How Does the Hebrew Alphabet Reveal Prophetic Truths? (Scottsdale, AZ: Hebrew World, 2016), 149.
3. Strong’s Concordance: 898. bagad, accessed September 17, 2017, http://biblehub.com/hebrew/898.htm.
4. Vocabulary.com, s.v. “betrayal,” accessed September 4, 2017, https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/betrayal.
5. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/affair
6. https://profiles.nlm.nih.gov/ps/access/nnbckv.pdf
My h is a recovering sex addict. He relapsed in June of 2018 and has struggled with pornography since. He was very defensive when I confronted him about his addiction. He became emotionally abusive. I made up my mind to file for divorce in January and prayed for God to show me if I needed to do something else…to work a miracle. My h went to a long weekend intensive for sex addiction in early Nov and has been like a different person since. He is kind, helpful and thoughtful. I am seeing him do recovery work. I’m afraid of getting hurt again and want to know if this is real change. Any thoughts?
Hi Hilary,
I completely hear you. It’s so hard to trust again when you’ve been so deeply hurt. Real change includes humility and hard work over time. You may want to read the chapter in my book Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal called “To Tell the Truth” as there are some great suggestions for the benefits of truth-telling over time. Your husband my want to read the chapter, “How He Can Help You Heal.” It has some great information on the importance of truth-telling and recovery.
Brave On!
Dr. Sheri
My husband promises that he is not addicted to porn and he has only watched it every couple months. I feel like I don’t have a right to feel upset because it was so rare. But he had told me for years that he wasn’t watching it at all and I recently found out he has been lying. Is it still betrayal even if he only watches porn every now and then?
Hi Ashley,
I apologize for not responding to your question sooner. I just launched my BraveOne Community and have been like an octopus on a checkerboard. Such a great question. I’m so glad you asked. First off, you have the right to be upset. You now have evidence that he’s been lying to you. I’m deeply sorry about your pain. I did some research about continued lies around sexual acting out and 65% of the women said that lying was even more painful than what had been done. Don’t get me wrong, the sex acts are incredibly painful and cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress. The likelihood that he watches porn “every now and then” is unlikely. Porn can become an addiction and their brain wants more and more of it to get the same high. I’d love for you to consider joining my private BraveOne Community. braveone.com/community I provide a ton of resources and support there.
You’re not alone and I’m fighting for you.
Warmly,
Dr. Sheri
Although it took me some time to realise porn is cheating, now I’ve accepted that reality I can’t believe I ever thought it wasn’t. It is really really obvious porn is cheating. I think porn could be destroying relationships more than any other issue in our modern day culture. It’s gut wrenching and heart breaking.
Hi Tisha,
Can I tell you that you just took the words right out of my mouth?! Thank you for sharing how you’ve changed. I imagine it’s come with some pain. I recently looked at some research that was done with 630 couples and it showed 2 things. #1That porn created disconnect in attachment and #2 it caused aggression in men toward women. Those 2 things in and of themselves are reasons to be heartbroken about how it destroys relationships. I really appreciate you sharing your journey here with me.
Warmly,
Dr. Sheri
Three weeks ago my wife of 40 years came into my home office and found me looking at porn on my computer. She was shocked and hurt, and I was humiliated and filled with shame. I argued that I only rarely did it; that it was something I did in my own private fantasy and had nothing to do with my feelings for her; that it was normal and nearly all men did it; that I was not addicted to it; that I only did it to quench some internal pressure; that she was blowing up a comparatively innocent act into something huge.
I thought about it the rest of that day (and since). If my looking at porn was innocent, what was the source of my feelings of shame? Why was I desperately trying to hide it from her? I knew intrinsically, all along, that if she found out, it would hurt her. Yet I persisted, and she was hurt.
I should have been able to deduce that her pain and my acknowledgement of it would not be the end of it, as if we could both just agree to put this incident behind us and carry on with our lives. The bitter truth is, the incident destroyed something I valued more than anything: the trust and respect we shared.
Moving ahead, through counseling and exploring deeply into my own psyche and motivations, I have a lot of repair work to do. My hope is to earn back the trust I sold for a few moments of gratification.
Hi Gary,
Thanks for sharing. 40 years is a long time to build trust with someone you love. As a betrayed partner myself, I understand intimately what your wife experienced. The shock, the hurt, the humiliation and the fear. I can see that you thought about it more and even questioned yourself, wondering if your looking at porn was innocent. I’m glad that when you answered yourself, you realized that you had been hiding looking at porn, knowing that it would hurt her if she found out. A lot of men minimize their porn use and see it as an innocent act. Yet, my research has shown that non-consensual porn use, whether it’s once or thousands of times, can cause posttraumatic stress symptoms in the life of their significant other. It sadly, causes a breach of trust. I have put my research about porn and the impact it has on significant others, in a resource that you might be interested in purchasing. It’s called the “Traumatic Relational Impact of Pornography Chart.” You can find it by clicking here. https://drsherikeffer.com/product/trip-chart/ I’ve shared it with other men & women and what’s written there has made sense to them and brought a new awareness into their relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Sheri
Hi,
My husband has been looking at porn and masturbating for 13 years. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. He’s mad at me because I won’t let him sleep in the same room and I don’t want to have sex with him. When we have sex his penis gets smaller when I touch him. He sees nothing wrong with this. When I caught him . He told me that he was doing it so he didn’t have to bug me about having sex more often. I feel like I’m going crazy.
Hi Jojo,
Let me start by saying I’m very, very sorry about your confusion and pain. You’re not crazy, crazy is happening around you. Looking at porn & masturbating for 13 years could be considered a long term sexual compulsivity problem and actually, there’s a new category called a porn addiction. You might be interested in watching a Ted Talk called “The Great Porn Experiment” by Gary Wilson. Here’s a link: https://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU?si=8anhLI0VVhjN3hc3 In there he talks about how compulsive porn use can lead to porn induced erectile dysfunction. Your husbands inability to be sexually healthy with you has nothing to do with you, your body or your beauty. It has everything to do with flooding dopamine centers in his brain to the point of overwhelm. If you’re interested in finding out more or to spend time with me regarding how to stop this crazymaking in the relationship, I’d love for you to consider joining me in my BraveOne Community. You can learn more by clicking here. https://www.braveone.com/community
You’re not alone Jojo and you matter.
Warmly,
Dr. Sheri
These men are expert liars. Don’t believe his line about bugging you. He is doing it to self-pleasure and it has nothing to do with desiring sex with you. Trust me, I have been dealing with my husband 40 years. He will do anything to hide it from you and if you happen to find out then he will lie about it. It’s all about him. These men have zero empathy.
My husband had a 15 year porn addiction. I’d catch him, ask him to stop, he said he would each time, but never did. He got real good too at deleting his browser history. I discovered he was still consuming actually on complete accident Aug. 19th, 2023 EVERYTHING blew up. I had enough and was ready for a divorce. Of course at that point my husband wants to take me seriously but the damage has already been done and the hurt soul shattering. It’s been a difficult road for the past 10 months.
We did a lot of research on EVERYTHING porn;
Every part of the industry including everything from the set & everything below.
The rape in porn that is never reported because what Police Officer will believe a porn actor/actress was raped during a porn shoot?
The STD’s/STI’s stats. Herpes is pretty common in the industry. Performers are tested every fourteen days for HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis B and C and trichomoniasis.
How porn fuels human trafficking including minors.
The high drug addiction rates in the industry. Many have to be high to be able to perform and drugs are frequently available on the set too.
The high suicide rates in the industry.
How porn affects the human brain.
How porn causes Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED). This is also causing issues for very young men that should NEVER have an issue getting and keeping an erection and finishing with a real human.
And so much more…
While doing all this research, I reminded my husband he’s the father to 2 daughters and 3 granddaughters and that I knew he wants much better for them.
My husband really is trying (I think anyway, but I don’t know if I can trust my own judgement anymore). He says he’s a changed man after everything he’s learned and I want to believe him. He’s says that’s not the person he wants to be and I want to believe him. He says he regrets ever watching porn and I want to believe him. Believe me when I say I want to believe him. But I simply cannot trust him anymore. I mean I trust he’ll get the dishes done if I ask, and I trust he’ll stop at the store on his way home if I ask. So I trust him in that aspect. But I cannot trust his word when it comes to porn. I guess after 15 years of lies I’m just not so sure of his word anymore. It’s like most of our marriage isn’t really real with all the deception, & with all the virtual infidelity. It feels more like a farce instead.
I’m having a VERY hard time moving past this. He’s retired so home most of the time,. I still work part time a few days a week, a few hours a day. I often wonder what he’s doing while I’m away. I have visions in my head of what I think he’s doing, even though I want to trust him that he’s not. Sometimes I wish I would’ve just ended the marriage after the first lie about porn because my mind wouldn’t be where it is today. Sometimes I still think about ending it. I have a lot of years invested, he’s adopted 2 of my kids (now adults) that we’re fatherless due to untimely passing & my kids love him, he’s a good husband aside from the porn. Then I think what will ending it now accomplish as the hurt will still be there. I’d probably never be able to trust another man in a serious relationship.
Will it ever get better? Will I ever trust him again? Will he ever slip back into his old ways? I know these are questions only time can answer. I guess I’m just venting.
Hi,
First off, can I thank you? Thank you for being a powerful advocate to bring all this research about the heinous harm caused by the porn industry. I’m heartbroken that the pain of your own personal betrayal trauma from pornography was the thing that prompted you to get a deeper understanding and become an advocate for change. I wish I could sit with you over a cup of coffee and ask your heart questions regarding the pain you’re currently living with. I want to validate your fear of not knowing. I want to validate your very real and normal concern about knowing the truth. Several years ago I wrote a book called “Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal.” Let me share my bias with you; and this comes from being a betrayed partner myself as well as working with thousands of betrayed partners. I believe that every betrayed partner needs two things to not only heal but heal well. Those two things are safety and the truth. I find that partners struggle with feeling safe in the relationship until they know the truth. Here’s the dilemma: most betrayed partners don’t know that there’s actually a way of getting the truth. I believe not knowing is suffering and can actually create long term and chronic posttraumatic stress in the not knowing. I have an online community called The BraveOne Community where I talk about the two pillars: safety & the truth. I also go into detail about the importance of having a well done therapeutic full disclosure done by folks that are trained, like me. That includes a polygraph. This isn’t a DIY (do it yourself) process and there’s a lot of people out there that are trying to sell counterfeits. But if you’re interested in learning more and allowing me to help you & your husband move into a place of safety and truth, check out my community by going to https://www.braveone.com/community
Big hugs to you.
-Dr. Sheri
Thx for responding Dr. Sheri,
I’d love to sit with you and let you pick my brain. I did recently read Intimate Deception, and was pulled in having a difficult time putting my iPad down, very well written! I still have it open on my iPad & I think I’m going to have my husband read it to me out loud as well. I’ve had him read 80% of what I want him to read out loud because I want to make sure he’s reading it and also because I can stop him and discuss things I want to point out along the way. He’ll read Intimate Deception with no resistance. I’ll also definitely check out Brave One very soon (busy for the next week or so).
I’ve actually seriously thought about a therapeutic full disclosure with polygraph. I’ve mentioned it to my husband, he doesn’t object.
I’m super anxious lately and I seem to be more triggered these days, I think it’s since we’re approaching the 1 year anniversary of everything blowing up. Last week a friend posted on Facebook about her 13 year old daughter sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet an older man she met online and she was missing at that time (she’s back home now). When I read this, I was triggered bad and I immediately flipped out on my husband because my first thought was this child was groomed to be trafficked..
Again, thx for responding.
It makes sense why you were triggered by your friends 13 year old daughter sneaking out to meet an older man she met online. The porn industry is rife with sexual predators and it’s a dangerous space online for our kiddos. I’m honored that you and your husband would read my book out loud. I hope to get to meet you someday in my BraveOne Community. -Dr. Sheri
My husband’s porn use sent me crazy. We had been together for 18 years. My dream guy. I found out a few years into our marriage he was watching porn. I found images on his laptop. It wasnt a nice feeling but didn’t think too much about it. Years went by still with struggling once every few months ) sex life. I just put it down to his unemployment and lifestyle and assumed he was depressed so didnt overthink it too much. A few years later i came across evidence of porn use so approached him about it. He was honest and said its something he had always done. But only because i dont give it to him ( sex) I dont show him affection ect. I was devastated. After realising this was the reason for the lack in his sex drive i thought okay i will try to up my game a bit. Being affectionate, starting dressing up for him, offering sex every night which he refused n said its not something he desires everyday. Things died of again, and and again.
Fast forward 3 years.. i developed feelings for a coworker( A women). After months of fighting with my feelings i told my husband i was leaving him. I told him i wasn’t happy and that i had met someone else.
It was the hardest decision ive ever made especially as we share our beautiful daughter together. Its 2 years later and im still suffering terrible with the trauma of it all. My husband said im insecure and all i needed to do was give him affection. To me, this feels like the blame is on me for him wanting to watch pornography..i dont think.this is fair.
What do you think?
Hi Bluebird,
Let me start by saying my heart breaks for you. Even your name tells me something about your free spirit and desire for freedom. Pornography puts our relationship in an unsafe place and actually, it sounds like it trapped you in a cage. I work with men who have porn addictions and who compulsively sexually act out. I also work with sexually betrayed partners, like you. I guess you could say it gives me a birds eye view (no pun intended) as to what you experienced here. When someone is in sexual entitlement, they choose to sexually act out and as a cover up plan, they make it about you. He blamed it on you and your lack of sex with him. From my experience, his blame is a cover to hide a long-term porn addiction and possibly more. My former husband, Conner, didn’t want to have sex with me and that was very confusing to me. What I didn’t know at the time is that he was sexually acting out with prostitutes and having affairs. His decision not to have sex with me was kind of a twisted protection since he was sexually acting out elsewhere. I’m not sure if you’re still married to him or not based on your post, yet, I can see the tremendous heartache that you’re currently living with. I would love to invite you to be a part of my BraveOne Community. https://www.braveone.com/community It’s a place for sexually betrayed women, where they can sort through the damage, gaslighting and deception from the sexual betrayal. It’s a place they can get their hearts & minds back. You deserve better and you deserve clarity as to what happened. Thanks for reaching out here. I wish you well sweet one as you walk this difficult path.
Hugs,
Dr. Sheri