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It’s been the wild, wild West when it comes to betrayal recovery and sexual disclosures. Many couples are given poor advice or no direction at all. “Twenty years of deception can be divulged in fifteen minutes, leaving the wife shell-shocked, confused, and loaded with unwanted shrapnel in her skin. These mishandled admissions are more common than we’d like to think. They can be incomplete, ill-timed, one-sided surprises that catch us off guard.”1 I’ve seen examples of what’s being called “a disclosure” written on restaurant paper napkins or the back of grocery receipts. I’ve been a witness to pages and pages of painful sexualized gory details hand written on a yellow note pad. And I’ve also been on the other side of a “disclosure” that was made up of completely fabricated…

As betrayed partners we often begin to question our sanity after days, months, and years of deception and sexual betrayal. It’s both unnerving and terrifying - like sitting on a powder keg of ‘not knowing.’ When our significant other continues to sexually act out and things don’t change we naturally begin to wonder if we’re doing something wrong. We feel incredibly helpless. Our energy fades. We collapse on the inside as our bodies get sick. We try to imagine better ways to respond. “Maybe if I said it this way” or “maybe if I offered him that.” Crazymaking. Most often, we’re just downright confused. We're grasping at straws trying to figure out what we can do to feel safe. I had a woman ask me, "Dr. Sheri, how do I…

Recently I was asked to do a FB Live surrounding the question “Is Porn an Affair?” Like you, I'm not surprised by how many conversations, debates, and opinions surround porn. People openly share their thoughts about whether porn is helpful or hurtful. So, I decided to write this blog in such a way that both parties can take a look and consider the impact porn has on relationships. Why don’t we talk about it? Let me start by saying this - I think it’s easy to have an opinion about something we’re protecting. It makes sense that we'd advocate about an issue we’re supporting. Yet, sharing an opinion about something we’re doing that’s hurting others, doesn’t get good press. Why? We don’t want to admit when we’ve done something that’s…

I received another email from a betrayed partner this week (let’s call her Jenny) who was deeply hurt by a well-intentioned pastor who said, “Jenny, I don’t think you’ve completely forgiven Tom. As long as you're getting triggered, you’re still holding onto resentment and unforgiveness. Would you like to pray right now, and let it go?” It’s been 4 years since D-Day, when Tom’s infidelity surfaced. Jenny hadn’t been aware that during their 16 marriage, Tom had been looking at pornography and frequenting strip clubs. Things were under wraps until she saw a text from an old girlfriend of his. A girl he dated in High School. Jenny was absolutely devastated. After four years and many hours of therapy, recovery groups, conferences, etc., the couple had moved into honesty and…

One never forgets what rises up inside as we walk into a room of other betrayed partners. It’s the kind of darkened shame even sunglasses can’t hide. It feels like we might as well have “not enough,” “failure,” or “defective,” written on our forehead. Bottomline, I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be known. And without a doubt, I never wanted to be here. We’re tentative – “If I stand at a book table too long or linger over resources – those around me will think it must be really bad.” We’re afraid – “I don't want to know, what I don’t want to know. And yet, strangely I do.” We’re heartbroken – “Will anything take away this ache in my chest. At times it feels like…

Questions like these, much like a hamster on a wheel, make us feel like we're on a road going nowhere. We have tons of questions, some with no answers. Whether the answers are known or unknown, I’d like to help you with your path toward healing. Painfully, I've watched many amazing people become shattered by betrayal and others paralyzed by the pain. So how is it then, when we’re literally picking the shrapnel out of our own body, can we get started on our journey to healing? I get it. At times all I had was two speeds: sitting and breathing. Yet, I want you to know it IS possible to heal. You can find your path out of pain and into wholeness, regardless of what happens in your relationship.…

Conner loved me. Yet Conner sexually acted out with other women too. He had affairs, regularly used porn, and even engaged with prostitutes. His struggle wasn't a one-time event. It was a lifestyle of secret keeping. When I say lifestyle, I mean it was a day-in- and-day-out problem of sexual infidelities over a long period of time. I felt gutted and trapped. Over the years I sensed Conner didn’t really want to do it. And if you asked him why he continued to sexually act out he might tell you that he hated it – yet didn’t know how to stop.   Most days if you asked me how I saw it I'd say, “It felt like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.” How could I…

There’s nothing more discouraging or frustrating than to be stuck in a strait jacket of pain. It makes us want to send out an all-points bulletin to the bewildered department for HELP! We’re bent over in despair and embouldered (I’m making this word up) in hurt. The prefix em means to be “put into, put in, or bring to a certain state”1 and the word bouldered means “abounding in stones, rocky fields, or bouldery breaches.2 In other words, we’ve been put into a situation by someone else where our personal boundaries have been violated. But, we’re the ones left with the job of digging out – from the inside out. It doesn’t seem fair. I often asked questions like, “Why is it that the one who’s been wounded, betrayed, or…

Just this month I heard from a mom who saw me speak at the Braveheart’s Virtual Summit. Her question was both real and heartfelt. She inspired me to share a few thoughts that I believe might be helpful to many of us, and especially our kids. (more…)

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to Thanksgiving it’s incredibly difficult to know what to do with “what was” and “what will be” when betrayal is dangling in the mix. Forcing a smile with Conner’s family was really tough. Pretending (more…)

After publishing my blog "The Morning Glory Story" I heard back from several women who commented on their own Morning Glory stories. These are great stories and, much like parables, are aimed at sharing truth. I thought I’d share (more…)

It was a hot, clammy day in Austin, Texas, 103 degrees to be exact. As we pulled into the parking lot our driver said, “You’d best take your make-up ladies ‘less you plan on coming back to a dripping pool of lipstick soup." I’d been asked to speak at a singles women’s event called (more…)

One of my earliest childhood memories was sitting in my back yard watching snails slowly glide across the cobblestone path toward our flower patch. Even if I didn’t get up early enough to see them skid by, they were sure to leave a shiny twisted trail of hardened goo to let me know (more…)

I don't think a day goes by that I don’t have to step into one situation or another – big or small, when I don’t have to find my FEARLESS.   Think about it. When things are happening around us that cause us to feel unsafe, fear is a normal emotion.   So, what am I talking about? If I’m afraid, is FEARLESS even possible? What does it mean to be FEARLESS?   We have it in us. I see it in you.   The ancient Hebrew word for women, is ezer which comes from two root words, one meaning “to rescue, to save,” and the other meaning “to be strong,” or “fierce strength.” Crazy, right? In fact, the word ezer is most often used in the context of a…

Recently I had one of our Brave One partners ask a question about her husband’s porn use. More specifically and painfully the extent that he went to cover-up for his behavior. As I was responding to her question I thought it would make a good blog topic as so many of us have situations that are very similar. (more…)

I am having a very difficult time in my marriage. I'm a strong-willed person and keep trying to fight to make our marriage work. But one little disappointment or flash memory and I go into a downward spiral and just want the torment to end, and just end our relationship. My husband has always had an issue with porn, at times he would try to work on it, others he would be very open about it. He has had two affairs, one of them was for a few months and he was emotionally involved then decided to end it to save our marriage. That is the only step he took, I hardly see any effort from him towards making us better. We have four young kids and I feel it is mostly…

So here it is, the day we’ve all been waiting for. Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal has arrived and you’ve been at the center of every grounding-breaking step. You are so worth it! Three weeks ago I sequestered myself away, saw no one, wore the same stinky sweats and lived with uncombed bedhead for three days. My purpose was to reach out to 100 People of Influence with hand written notes asking if they’d be interested in hearing about our stories of pain, resiliency of character and hope. The intimate deception that’s happening in our homes, pews, and workplaces needs a voice; it needs to be taken seriously, and stopped. I can’t believe I had the courage to reach out to these incredible folks. They are brave…

Don't be surprised when Valentine’s Day comes around if you find yourself in the middle of a heart-breaking dilemma. How do we bravely navigate this day of love after betrayal? “He gave me a card and signed it, Love Dave. What am I supposed to do with that when I caught him looking at porn three weeks ago?” “The day came and went – we both just tried to ignore it. I cried myself to sleep that night.” “My teenage daughters asked - 'Dad are you going to get mom flowers?” “I feel so alone. I hated getting groceries this week. I couldn’t get away from all the heart-filled decorations, which just reminded me of where we are right now. I don't’ know what to do. Should I fake it?"…