Year: 2019

It’s been the wild, wild West when it comes to betrayal recovery and sexual disclosures. Many couples are given poor advice or no direction at all. “Twenty years of deception can be divulged in fifteen minutes, leaving the wife shell-shocked, confused, and loaded with unwanted shrapnel in her skin. These mishandled admissions are more common than we’d like to think. They can be incomplete, ill-timed, one-sided surprises that catch us off guard.”1 I’ve seen examples of what’s being called “a disclosure” written on restaurant paper napkins or the back of grocery receipts. I’ve been a witness to pages and pages of painful sexualized gory details hand written on a yellow note pad. And I’ve also been on the other side of a “disclosure” that was made up of completely fabricated…

As betrayed partners we often begin to question our sanity after days, months, and years of deception and sexual betrayal. It’s both unnerving and terrifying - like sitting on a powder keg of ‘not knowing.’ When our significant other continues to sexually act out and things don’t change we naturally begin to wonder if we’re doing something wrong. We feel incredibly helpless. Our energy fades. We collapse on the inside as our bodies get sick. We try to imagine better ways to respond. “Maybe if I said it this way” or “maybe if I offered him that.” Crazymaking. Most often, we’re just downright confused. We're grasping at straws trying to figure out what we can do to feel safe. I had a woman ask me, "Dr. Sheri, how do I…

Recently I was asked to do a FB Live surrounding the question “Is Porn an Affair?” Like you, I'm not surprised by how many conversations, debates, and opinions surround porn. People openly share their thoughts about whether porn is helpful or hurtful. So, I decided to write this blog in such a way that both parties can take a look and consider the impact porn has on relationships. Why don’t we talk about it? Let me start by saying this - I think it’s easy to have an opinion about something we’re protecting. It makes sense that we'd advocate about an issue we’re supporting. Yet, sharing an opinion about something we’re doing that’s hurting others, doesn’t get good press. Why? We don’t want to admit when we’ve done something that’s…

I received another email from a betrayed partner this week (let’s call her Jenny) who was deeply hurt by a well-intentioned pastor who said, “Jenny, I don’t think you’ve completely forgiven Tom. As long as you're getting triggered, you’re still holding onto resentment and unforgiveness. Would you like to pray right now, and let it go?” It’s been 4 years since D-Day, when Tom’s infidelity surfaced. Jenny hadn’t been aware that during their 16 marriage, Tom had been looking at pornography and frequenting strip clubs. Things were under wraps until she saw a text from an old girlfriend of his. A girl he dated in High School. Jenny was absolutely devastated. After four years and many hours of therapy, recovery groups, conferences, etc., the couple had moved into honesty and…

One never forgets what rises up inside as we walk into a room of other betrayed partners. It’s the kind of darkened shame even sunglasses can’t hide. It feels like we might as well have “not enough,” “failure,” or “defective,” written on our forehead. Bottomline, I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be known. And without a doubt, I never wanted to be here. We’re tentative – “If I stand at a book table too long or linger over resources – those around me will think it must be really bad.” We’re afraid – “I don't want to know, what I don’t want to know. And yet, strangely I do.” We’re heartbroken – “Will anything take away this ache in my chest. At times it feels like…

Questions like these, much like a hamster on a wheel, make us feel like we're on a road going nowhere. We have tons of questions, some with no answers. Whether the answers are known or unknown, I’d like to help you with your path toward healing. Painfully, I've watched many amazing people become shattered by betrayal and others paralyzed by the pain. So how is it then, when we’re literally picking the shrapnel out of our own body, can we get started on our journey to healing? I get it. At times all I had was two speeds: sitting and breathing. Yet, I want you to know it IS possible to heal. You can find your path out of pain and into wholeness, regardless of what happens in your relationship.…

Conner loved me. Yet Conner sexually acted out with other women too. He had affairs, regularly used porn, and even engaged with prostitutes. His struggle wasn't a one-time event. It was a lifestyle of secret keeping. When I say lifestyle, I mean it was a day-in- and-day-out problem of sexual infidelities over a long period of time. I felt gutted and trapped. Over the years I sensed Conner didn’t really want to do it. And if you asked him why he continued to sexually act out he might tell you that he hated it – yet didn’t know how to stop.   Most days if you asked me how I saw it I'd say, “It felt like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.” How could I…

There’s nothing more discouraging or frustrating than to be stuck in a strait jacket of pain. It makes us want to send out an all-points bulletin to the bewildered department for HELP! We’re bent over in despair and embouldered (I’m making this word up) in hurt. The prefix em means to be “put into, put in, or bring to a certain state”1 and the word bouldered means “abounding in stones, rocky fields, or bouldery breaches.2 In other words, we’ve been put into a situation by someone else where our personal boundaries have been violated. But, we’re the ones left with the job of digging out – from the inside out. It doesn’t seem fair. I often asked questions like, “Why is it that the one who’s been wounded, betrayed, or…